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I am a recovering student, finally free from the grasp of higher education

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Monday, November 3, 2008

Sunday... not my favorite

Yesterday was awful. Lately I've had a really hard time with Sunday's. Most people ask me if it's because of my daughter but honestly I'm not consciously thinking about her every time. Part of it is that we have 12:30 church and I get a bit bored waiting for it to start... but then unconsciously, who knows. Fast Sunday's are usually emotional still and we had this nice lady in our ward bearing testimony of her granddaughter who was born prematurely, her daughter called and wanted her to pray immediately, long story short , her granddaughter was fine. I love stories like this for those involved, it's similar to Isablel's story but is it wrong of me to not want to hear them?
A friend of mine who just went thru a tough time also reminded me that between being hormonal, stress and the unconscious thoughts of our minds I could just be screwed up. And that's ok, for now.
The quilt I finished was also what I put all my energy into the first 2 weeks after She passed and now it's done. I don't know what to do now. The only other project is Isabel's room and it should be done in a day or so, then what? It was so easy to get thru the first month or so because I had stuff to keep me busy whether friends or projects. I still have friends but since I can't call them to drop their lives every day, it's just projects, and I'm out.
I hate that the emptiness in my heart is feeling so incredibly huge right now but since I'm only 5 weeks out from her due date and it's holiday time I guess it's normal. But I can't wait for this to pass.

12 comments:

Southern Princess said...

Check your email.
Love you girl!

Aubrey & Cheyenne Martin said...

Love the quilt! Make another one out of some of Izzy's old clothes. Love the Halloween pictures, too! And it is OK to feel everything you're feeling. I've been crazy before, and trust me, you are not!!!

Clark Family said...

I think it is perfectly normal to not want to hear the stories, especially since you've heard it three times now, it is understandably painful.

Thanaglim said...

You're not alone and don't feel like you're weird for not wanting to hear stories like that. I still get thoughts sometimes of "what was wrong with my sister that God didn't heal her?" when I hear someone's testimony that they or someone they knew prayed and were miraculously healed. We have those moments because we are grieving, we have those moments because we are human.

E said...

Don't think you have to be in a hurry to get through your feelings of grief. You just feel however you need to, whenever you need to.
And if anyone thinks you should be feeling differently, you just tell them to go bite their bums!
:-) See you tomorrow!

Tara L. said...

Tracy, I am so sorry for this trial you have to go through. I wish there was something I could do for you. I wish you lived closer so we could hang out. Just know you are loved and you are completely normal having the feelings you do. I will send extra prayers your way. Love you, Tara

Rachael M. said...

It is definitely not wrong of you to not want to hear it. I mean, who really wants to be reminded of a happy ending they didn't get this time? As time goes by, I'm sure it will be a little easier, but don't feel bad about feeling any way you feel. It's all normal.

*hugs*

The Archibald Family said...

Along the same lines of everyone...you have to go thru this grief process, as yucky or terrible as it may become.
President Uchtdorf spoke at the General R.S. meeting (don't know if you saw it) but it was a great talk. Go find it. In one part he told of President Hinkley and how he said that it was thru work that he overcame his grief for his passing wife.
But don't feel bad for anything you're feeling, the guilt just makes it worse. You're really strong. Honestly, I've always looked up to you and admired how strong you are in overcoming adversity. And I'm not thinking solely of recent events or years. Learn from those things in the past...maybe they were all in preparation for something like this.

Felton Family Update... said...

Hi Tracy! It sounds like you are doing well. I hope and pray for the best of you and your family. Keep in touch.
Brittany

lesliem said...

Hey now... look at all these people who care about you! (Sorry, did I sound surprised?)

To break with the time-honored tradition of our emotionally-stunted family, I will say this:
You already know that this will stay with you and it may not get much easier. But you are left with a beautiful family (especially your sister, I mean your daughter. And don't tell Mike I said he was beautiful... see what I said about emotionally stunted) and memories of a precious Brooklyn Rose. It breaks my heart to have you go through this and there's not much that will make it better. But apparently there's a lot of people here with you (some with rather funny names, like e or southern princess- who is that crazy girl?)... and if our family has taught me anything, there is always another project that can be done.

Jeni said...

I had commented to many of our friends about how strong you were in dealing with both Izzy and Brooklyn's births. Seriously, you were so inspiring with your positive attitude. But now as reality sets in, you're going to have some downright crummy days. And when those days happen, you go to little Izzy and hug her (kids have a sense for when you're upset and I betcha she'd do or say something that would make you feel better), lean on Mike, and cry. Cry, cry, cry. It can be so good for the soul. I love you Tracy. And as your sis said, you have a lot of people that love you. Let them lift you up. :)

jdenslen said...

my heart cries for you Tracy.
I have a neighbor who's 2year old daughter died suddenly from a brain tumor. It's been about a year and a half. She tells everyone it is just like having a long term missionary. She knows she is on the other side teaching and they just strive to live their lives so one day they can join her.
Thought she had a neat perspective.
So sorry you have to go through this trial.