Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My life the last few weeks

Once again my life refuses to be dull and boring. Most of you know that I had a miscarriage a week ago, that was awful. Apparently my body does not like being pregnant for any real length of time. Hopefully we can find some way of fixing that. I was only 9 1/2 weeks along when I found out last Monday. I went in for a viability screening and 2 things were apparent the minute they started
1. There was no heart beat
2. the baby had not grown since my 7 week Ultrasound

so the MD on call talked briefly with me about my options but since I already had an appt to see my OB the next day I could talk it over in more detail with him. So I went home and 5 hrs later... well it all happened. And it sucked. The odd thing was I was completely fine with it Monday and Tuesday because lets face it, it was not as hard as what we dealt with September a year ago and of course I have a great testimony of eternal families so I didn't worry. Then Wednesday hit... My friend Lori from UT said it best... I had posted on my facebook that regardless of what I had said before today it was not ok. and Lori's response was ...
"I never believed you anyway".
Although I have 'recovered' from the rock bottom I have learned a few things. Heavenly Father trusts me way to much, I sometimes wish he'd love me a little less and they way I grieve makes people think that I get over things really fast when I don't. I've found that I put up walls that are invisible to everyone... including me. At odd times, they start to come crumbling down and I find myself trying to hold it up for some unknown reason.
I would however like to make a list of things NOT to say to people who lose children, whether by miscarriage, or pre-term or thru some accident.
1. You can always adopt. While that may be true it does not make people feel any better to hear it when they are going thru the chaos
2. You know you'll get to raise them/or see them again in the next life. Again this may be true but if someone like me doesn't know this by now they never will. When they are grieving, they know this but that does not mean that Heavenly Father doesn't expects me to be fine and not be sad. Sometimes I just want to be mad and sad for a bit.

However I realize that some people just don't know what to say but a simple "I'm sorry" is sufficient. They try to help you thru and figure they need to say something and often times they put their foot in their mouth and I need to be polite and just say.... thanks not "oh does that taste good?"

So my next list is my top two favorite things said to me last year when I was going thru a grieving process...
1. After her surgery on a Saturday we went to a reception for 30 min to say hello and we missed the sealing due to the surgery.. a nice lady who mean well put her arm around me and said... "so is your baby still alive?"

2. After our first day back at church after the funeral a lady came up to me and said.. "my dog died last year"
Really, really because I'm supposed to equate your dog with my child... OK

and recently I've heard the adoption thing a few times.
Again I know people try and most people thankfully don't know what it's like to go thru what I have. I truly don't wish this on my worst enemy.

So to end this rambling post... Thank you so much for the thoughts, and prayers and comments of support I really do appreciate all of the love we've received. So thank you if you actually got thru this whole rant. LOVE YOU ALL!


Annette Larsen said...

Way to be honest, Trace. Good girl. The best thing I heard after my miscarriage was from my Mom, "Just feel what you feel". I think that's so important. If you're mad, be mad. If you're sad, be sad. If, for one minute, you are doing ok, be ok. I think we often try to tune our emotions to what we think we should feel, or what we think others think we should feel. It makes no sense but we try to do it anyway, only to realize that it gets us nowhere.
You've been through so much more than anyone should, and I admire you for keeping positive so much of the time, and for being honest all the time. Love you, Tracy.

Ashley said...

I fall in the category of "just don't know what to say". So I'll just say that my heart goes out to you and your husband and that we'll be praying for you.

Tara L. said...

Oh Tracy, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I had two miscarriages before I had Lindsay. I was mad, angry, hurt, sad, just about every emotion you can think of. I am so sorry you are going through this on top of everthing you have already gone through. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I love you!!

Natalie said...

so its funny, even after that post i find myself wanting so bad to say SOMETHING (i wish they had italics on comments but capitals will have to do) meaningful and comforting. i suppose some people will never learn. i love you though and i'm so sorry. if all i can do from here is read your rambling i'll read it every day. my heart goes out to you and your family.

Southern Princess said...

Hey Gorgeous. You know you do cut yourself short on one thing - you are exceptionally strong. Even with the invisible walls & the facade of a quick healer (facade so you say) There are no perfect words for these situations. I have noticed that even the other women who have been through what you have cannot always put the letters together and form coherent words, mumbles, sighs... etc. I can hear in my head the women saying to you about adoption. I could probably hear myself say it to you if I did not know you. But because I know you and know how strong you are I don't need those words. Strength isn't always 'quick healing' sometimes it is found in a post about how honestly it feels to hear people trying to show compassion but failing miserably at wording it. Just know we love you and we are hear whether you need us to ramble with your or just sit mutely and stair at the wall. muah!

Amy said...

I also fall in the 'i don't know what to say, but don't want you to think i'm not thinking about you' category... I also feel generic after so many 'sorry' comments...which is why you get awkward comments about cheese...I also loved Lori's comment...I think she said what most of us were too uncomfortable to. I promise I thinkk about you. I love you and I'm certain that, at some point, unbeknownst to either of us, we've cried together for you and your family...all 5 of you.

Rachael M. said...

I cannot believe someone told you that their dog died. I love my pets, and I grieve tremendously when I lose one, but I am not stupid enough to think that it equates with losing a human child.

Wow, Tracy. I would like to reiterate what I said about you being super strong.

Thanaglim said...

Although I haven't said anything yet it wasn't for the lack of trying. I too just didn't know what to say...

We love you Tracy.

E said...

I just now read your blog for the first time in forever. (hectic schedule is all) I had no idea about what happened to you recently, I am so so sorry that I wasn't there for you!
I am also sorry that some people are just STUPID and insensitive with the things they have said to you. I don't pretend to know exactly the things you have felt through your own personal trials, but through my owm with Mark I have come to realise that some people really are just DUMB or INSANE.
I had a women come into work a month ago with a cat she wanted to bord that had only one kidney, she was expressing her concern and I tried to reassure her that the cat would be taken care of, and that I personally know something of it due to my husband needing a transplant. Her resonse was "Yes but your husband isn't a cat." OK so apprently my husband is less important than a cat. I had to stop myself from throwing her against a wall. Stupid People!
Love you Tracy!

Katy said...

People are retarded and as soon as you realize this and learn to love them anyway, then life gets amazingly better. While I can honestly sympathize with your emotions regarding miscarriage, I could never begin to comprehend what you went through last year. Jesse and I had some incredible, horrible things said to us during our 5 years of trying so unfortunately I'm not surprised by the callousness. Like I said, retarded BUT loved. I think you are super awesome; you don't give up and whether or not you succeed in this life you are blessed for your efforts.

Emily said...

It's funny that you put this up. I thought of you the other day when I was talking to Lacy. She was telling me about a young couple in there ward who had suffered a lot of the same things. She was finally sent to a specialist that deals with women who have a high number of miscarriages or lose of babies. Anyway, you should talk to Lacy... it was cool. They couple finally just had a little baby boy. they had lost a baby, that only lived three months and then suffered many miscarriages too.

Jeni said...

I'm certain there are more miracles to come for you and your family. Love you and miss you.

MoDLin said...

I'm really sorry. Miscarriage is hard. It's a rollercoaster ride and it's hard.

Many people have found the March of Dimes bereavement kit helpful. You can read about it and even order a free copy at this link if you think it might be good for you:

Sincere best wishes.

Aubrey & Cheyenne Martin said... I being a completely insensitive friend if I say I kind of chuckled through that whole thing? Will you ask me if my foot tastes good? I can just totally picture you sitting on my couch saying that about 100 mph. I've heard the adoption thing as well and it makes me mad simply because people say it with pity, like it's some sort of consolation prize for the "not good enough to have babies" people. Puh-lease. Oh, by the way, I have Superman vision and can see through walls. Even the invisible ones ;)