Doubt

Doubt, it's such a sad word. Doubting in yourself is tough because if you don't believe in yourself, who will? Doubting in others is scary because you want to see the best in people. And most importantly, when you have doubt, you can not have hope. And Hope is what keeps us going, hope is what brings us energy, happiness and allows us to wake up and move every day. I went back today and cried, a lot, as I re-read the comments and the posts about Brooklyn. Mike's Grandma is getting a bunch of information together for the families genealogy. I had so much hope, so much understanding, so much faith during that amazingly large trial. It's funny how at times my faith has doubt, my understanding has doubt, my hope is (not all)gone. (ok, it's not ALL gone). I have yet to figure out how I had all that faith, all that understanding, not a shadow of doubt in Heavenly Father's knowledge of me, His love for me, His awareness of what I am was through. Yet now, when times seem tough, when I have been dealing with the same trial, off and on for years, I doubt. I doubt that He is aware of my, I doubt that He cares what happen to me. And this trial, is nothing compared to losing my sweet girl. It should be nothing. I lost the greatest thing one can lose, and I stayed whole, my faith stayed whole. But this little trial, this inconvenience of a trial, consumes me and overwhelms me. I think one of the hardest parts is knowing that it is I who have wandered away from Him, I have have lost faith in Him, not the other way around.
Yesterday I was so frustrated, so sad and to be perfectly honest... pissed. So pissed that I tried to ignore and miss the tender mercies that were right in front of me. My heart was so hardened that even knowing I needed to smile, there was too much ice, I wasn't really letting it chip away. Then last night, it was almost gone. I can't say I am through the doubt, or all my hope is back because honestly, I am to afraid to hope. It hurts to hope, it is so tough to hope only to be knocked down.
One would have thought that all my rough places would have been made smooth by now, the refiners fire would have worked a bit more by now. But if I'm to stubborn to let it...
So here's to be back to my normal optimistic self and to find that faith I had not that long ago.