Once again my life refuses to be dull and boring. Most of you know that I had a miscarriage a week ago, that was awful. Apparently my body does not like being pregnant for any real length of time. Hopefully we can find some way of fixing that. I was only 9 1/2 weeks along when I found out last Monday. I went in for a viability screening and 2 things were apparent the minute they started
1. There was no heart beat
2. the baby had not grown since my 7 week Ultrasound
so the MD on call talked briefly with me about my options but since I already had an appt to see my OB the next day I could talk it over in more detail with him. So I went home and 5 hrs later... well it all happened. And it sucked. The odd thing was I was completely fine with it Monday and Tuesday because lets face it, it was not as hard as what we dealt with September a year ago and of course I have a great testimony of eternal families so I didn't worry. Then Wednesday hit... My friend Lori from UT said it best... I had posted on my facebook that regardless of what I had said before today it was not ok. and Lori's response was ...
"I never believed you anyway".
Although I have 'recovered' from the rock bottom I have learned a few things. Heavenly Father trusts me way to much, I sometimes wish he'd love me a little less and they way I grieve makes people think that I get over things really fast when I don't. I've found that I put up walls that are invisible to everyone... including me. At odd times, they start to come crumbling down and I find myself trying to hold it up for some unknown reason.
I would however like to make a list of things NOT to say to people who lose children, whether by miscarriage, or pre-term or thru some accident.
1. You can always adopt. While that may be true it does not make people feel any better to hear it when they are going thru the chaos
2. You know you'll get to raise them/or see them again in the next life. Again this may be true but if someone like me doesn't know this by now they never will. When they are grieving, they know this but that does not mean that Heavenly Father doesn't expects me to be fine and not be sad. Sometimes I just want to be mad and sad for a bit.
However I realize that some people just don't know what to say but a simple "I'm sorry" is sufficient. They try to help you thru and figure they need to say something and often times they put their foot in their mouth and I need to be polite and just say.... thanks not "oh does that taste good?"
So my next list is my top two favorite things said to me last year when I was going thru a grieving process...
1. After her surgery on a Saturday we went to a reception for 30 min to say hello and we missed the sealing due to the surgery.. a nice lady who mean well put her arm around me and said... "so is your baby still alive?"
2. After our first day back at church after the funeral a lady came up to me and said.. "my dog died last year"
Really, really because I'm supposed to equate your dog with my child... OK
and recently I've heard the adoption thing a few times.
Again I know people try and most people thankfully don't know what it's like to go thru what I have. I truly don't wish this on my worst enemy.
So to end this rambling post... Thank you so much for the thoughts, and prayers and comments of support I really do appreciate all of the love we've received. So thank you if you actually got thru this whole rant. LOVE YOU ALL!
Healthy Pumpkin Pie
2 days ago
